There’s nothing like Reality TV to teach you about conflict!
My years as a docu-reality producer did just that. I had the fortune of not having to produce like some in reality TV but the talent I worked with who had been on other shows had some amazing (aka awful) stories of how conflict got manufactured and manipulated.
One woman told me her back got burned from night and day having to wear a wireless mic duck-taped to it. Every word she spoke for weeks was “owned” by the show. Another talent said she had to take a medical exam right before the show and was told (falsely) she had a STD. She was a total wreck during the filming.
While I never had to generate conflict like that I had my own unwieldy lessons.
The first TV show I produced I trekked from Mozambique to Morocco interviewing African leaders on what the West could learn from them. I so desired to celebrate Africa’s culture, I diminished conflict. As I’ve mentioned, my natural bent is to avoid conflict…or more accurately it is to diffuse and convert it to harmony. Well, that showed up in my producing. Yike! The stories ended up being interesting but not as emotionally moving as they could have been.
For my next TV series I was told I needed to cast rising celebrities and Reality TV talent. I knew I had to think strategically about conflict. I couldn’t avoid it, nor did I want to exploit it.
I decided to take these rising celebrities on meaningful but stretching trips to Latin America as they chased their dreams and encountered social justice issues. We worked with incredible musicians in the favelas of Rio de Janeiro and amazing students in an infamous slum in Haiti and gifted dancers in a tiny village in the Amazon.
This became a workable model—the pursuit of dreams and the power of being out of your comfort zone teamed with a bigger perspective and sense of contribution. It was a model I loved…until I had to actually do it myself (crazy story, but I ended up as talent on my own show). It was hard…but ultimately helpful. I was learning how to use conflict in story as I was figuring it out in my own life.
The next series I produced had intense conflict embedded in it. I produced a series on sex-trafficking, interviewing survivors throughout the US and Southeast Asia. I discovered my strength. I could enter into conflict with a confidence and certainty when it came to injustice. My avoidance turned to Bring it on!
Yet not everything has that black-and-white, just-or-unjust dynamic. How do you choose conflict wisely in the midst of the messiness of everyday realities and complexities of relationships?
I still struggle with that. This week I tried to choose good conflict in the context of a difficult family situation. I was awkward…and ultimately unhelpful. My own hurt and anger hampered my attempt to engage in good conflict.
However, like most great stories in the making there are second chances…upon second chances. When I re-engaged I discovered another model for conflict. It’s one I wish I would have started with and almost the exact opposite of my first attempt:
- I owned what I needed and desired out of the conversation.
- I chose vulnerability over defensiveness.
- I discovered more of my “Why” to engage that good conflict—I desired deeper relationship.
- I invited (versus obligated) the others to fight for wholeness.
So…what’s the best conflict you chose this week?
And bonus question: I’m curious what’s a model for conflict you’ve come to appreciate?
I look forward to hearing!