Day 11 of 40 Days of Story: Who or what is holding your dream hostage?

 

All great stories have really good antagonists.

 

No matter how bad they are, we can’t write them off. They may be murders or masochists, yet there’s something in them we see in ourselves. It can be terrifying.

 

That’s why I like to only consider antagonists while at the movies, reading a book or at a play. The idea there may be one in my own story makes me not want to write this post. (The reality is I’ve been avoiding writing it all day…)

 

And yet…

 

The more we get clear on who–or what–is the antagonist in our current story, the more directly we’re able to move toward our desires, dreams and goals.

 

So, today’s post is about naming that external conflict/antagonist in our story. For most of this, it’s not easy. Rarely do our stories play out with the precision of screenplay scripts. And if you’re like me, you’ve deftly constructed a world without enemies (mainly to avoid conflict). I realize this is a fortune that many in war-torn countries around the globe don’t have.

 

Here our antagonists tend to be more subtle and more subversive.

 

A few years back I attended a film festival where John Bucher, a gifted screenwriter and teacher, spoke about the antagonist in story. He shared this:

 

“If you can get your bad guy right, you can likely get the good one. One of the most powerful things you can do is make the good and bad guys related. You can’t get away from those you are related to. The closer in relationship the more powerful the story.” [Classic example: Star Wars.]

Here’s the dark reality: those we love dearly can be antagonists in our stories…and we can be antagonists in theirs.

 

And as I said, this antagonism is not often overt…and many times unconscious.

 

To reference another John…John Gottman, a renown psychological researcher and clinician. He talks about how one of the most damaging things to relationships is when one feels like the other holds his/her dream captive.

 

It’s those little ways we block one another’s dreams that turn into those little resentments that then block little expressions of intimacy…that then turn into big trouble.

 

And here’s the crazy thing: when it goes unnamed it gains power. Someone we love may be blocking our dream just a little because we’re blocking his/hers…because our dreams may be tied to competing values. Or our private logic may oppose one another without even knowing it.

 

But there’s hope.

 

When you think about the desire/dream you’re chasing in this season ask: Is there someone I love that seems to make it more difficult or I assume will not support it? Who is it?

 

Rather than going all Kill Bill as you think of that person…get curious. Consider what he or she may be wanting/needing? Could your desire be threatening his/her dream?

 

Let your curiosity entice you towards empathy. How might that person be experiencing your desire? What feelings and thoughts are being provoked in him/her as you chase it?

 

And now for an even tougher challenge, let curiosity and empathy call you to a courageous and loving conversation. Instead of accusing your antagonist, create a space for him or her to share. Be poised to receive it with empathy.

 

Brene Brown says it beautifully:

 “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

I believe resentment can’t survive either.

 

So…Who or what is holding your dream hostage?

 

Your mission, if you choose to accept: Initiate a courageous and loving conversation with that person. Be curious and empathetic.

 

And for extra-credit consider this: Whose dream can you set-free?

 

Answering that one…well, that’s a call to true transformation…

Day 10 of 40 Days of Story: No conflict. No Story. So what’s yours right now?

Here’s a confession: I’m one of those “Could everyone just get along?” types.

 

It’s my natural bent and tends to be my first reaction. So much so, that one time when I was jumped by a [want-to-be] gang in a dodgy part of Paris I screamed “Please be nice…” and took off running. They were so confused they just stood there.

 

“The-please-be-nice-cut-and-run” strategy works on occasion, but not so much when it comes to worthy desires, real relationships and great stories.

 

The reality is:

There is no story without conflict. And there are no meaningful pursuits without a fight.

So, more and more I’m learning to embrace the value of conflict. I am beginning to exchange my people-pleasing ways for candid conversations. And while I still struggle with owning my needs and articulating my anger, I’m learning. As I said, it doesn’t come naturally. Growing up my brother had a monopoly on expressing anger. So I cornered the market on peace-making and perfectionism. Yes, you can guess how brilliantly I nailed that approach. I achieved a spastic colon in my teens and mastered the art of stuffing negative emotions.

 

While I’m grateful for many resources that have helped me reframe my relationship with conflict, including some excellent therapists, curiously enough story structure has been a powerful tool. Learning that the messy middle–Act II–is always the longest part of a story has been so helpful. Our hero encounters one obstacle after another while chasing after what she/he desires. And so often in story we see our hero get it wrong–make a wrong decision, take a wrong action–and then have more conflict. That is story…and that is so much of life.

 

I’ve been living in the messy middle far longer than I would like. It’s been a season of transition that has superseded any plans I had for my life–one that has forced me to ditch denial, release perfectionism and diminish people-pleasing. While I would have never signed up for it, I would also never exchange it. My relationships are richer, my courage is stronger and I’ve even learned to own some anger. Creating space to acknowledge conflict has made a difference. For instance, when a few months back I was approached by the Afghan mafia in Athens while interviewing refugees I didn’t respond with my conflict avoidant “Please be nice…” gut reaction. Rather I had a “How dare you!” gaze in my eyes, even as I high-tailed it on my way. I let myself feel it in my body: I care deeply about injustice…and because of that I will embrace anger and engage conflict!

 

For the next several days we will discuss the different levels of conflict our hero encounters in story…and the ones we face in our own lives. We will discuss more in depth how to choose conflict wisely and how it serves our story powerfully.

 

Yet for today, I invite you to name one conflict that comes to mind when you think about what your desire is at the moment. There’s a power in naming whatever that is. And the deeper exercise is to consider your own relationship with conflict. What is it like? Why is it so?

 

When you choose to show up to conflict…when you go beyond “Could everyone just get along.” you show up to courage…and you create the space for a great story.

 

 

May that be so for you…for me…for us all. Amen and amen.

Day 9 of 40 Days of Story: Today what’s at stake when it comes to your story?

This week we’ve been exploring what we really desire in this season. We’ve been asking ourselves: What is our external quest and internal quest? What do we long to have and who do we desire to become?

 

Today we consider the stakes. What does it matter? What’s on the line if you don’t show up to this longing and if you don’t give yourself over to this becoming?

 

Once again, I know this can seem uber heady. Rarely do we feel we’re living in a Marvel movie where the fate of the universe rests on our super powers. Ok, if we ever feel like that…than probably there are other issues to address.

 

But the point is this:

We have an uncanny ability to forget our story matters.

At least I do. I can take myself so seriously when it comes to making mistakes. Perfectionism still nips at my ankles in my forties. But taking my desires—my story—seriously, well that’s another thing. The things I most want to do often get pushed to next week’s to-do list. Write…perhaps I’ll begin fresh at the first of the month? Date…with starting a business do I have the energy to start a relationship? Become more patient…who has time for that?

 

We can’t recognize the stakes until we understand our why.

 

Here’s how it works for me: If my why is simply about me I’ll lose interest when it gets hard. Pleasure can only hold my attention for so long. But…if it is teamed with meaning–true purpose–then I can risk, do what scares me shitless, show up and keep showing up. The ground of my meaning-making is a love for God and others. That ground shakes out in a thousand different ways, and I live it out with such imperfection. Yet, that’s what helps me recognize the stakes.

 

As you consider your stakes, I encourage you to think about your why.

 

What could be lost if you don’t show up to your desire? What can be gained if you become more of who you are? Not only what—but who—will be better for it?

 

Your story matters.

 

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Maya Angelou

 

Do tell.

 

Day 8 of 40 Days of Story: Who do you want to become on the journey?

You want something. And you want something even more.

 

In story structure our hero has a problem to solve, a desire to chase. It’s her/his external quest. But in that process there emerges an internal quest. The hero desires something deeper–ultimately needs to become something more.

 

One of my favorite features of story is that it calls out longings. It helps us see and name desires and dreams. And ultimately it’s not story if it’s not transformation.

 

Once again: Conflict drives a story. Desire defines it.

 

So here’s today’s question: Who do you want to become on this journey? How do you want to change and grow in this season?

 

I know. These questions can feel epic…and ethereal. But I’d encourage you to get really practical and hopeful. So, to get what you want in this season what will it ask of you? More courage? More patience? More vulnerability? More forgiveness? More joy?

 

What is that one thing you need more of…the one trait that you get to become more of?

 

As we go through this process we will talk extensively about the role of the Guide in story structure. But it’s worth noting it here. I don’t believe we become more–achieve this internal quest–on our own.

 

There are a thousand guides we can rally on our journey, but for me two have been the most profound. God–the Divine Ground of Being and Source of Love–not only guides me on the path of becoming but gives me the very grace to desire more and the power/love to become more. And secondly, I’ve needed trusted friends as guides. Their embrace of who I am now and their belief in who I can become keeps me moving.

 

More and more I believe: Community builds capacity.

 

So, consider your one trait you want to grow into in this season. Who do you get to become? And then, who can help you on this journey of becoming?

 

I leave you with the words of another guide of mine:

 

To Come Home to Yourself by John O’Donohue

May all that is unforgiven in you

be released

 

May your fears yield

Their deepest tranquilities

 

May all that is unlived in you

Blossom into a future

Graced with love.

 

Amen and amen. May it be so. And as always, I’d love to hear about it.

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