Day 10 of 40 Days of Story: No conflict. No Story. So what’s yours right now?

Here’s a confession: I’m one of those “Could everyone just get along?” types.

 

It’s my natural bent and tends to be my first reaction. So much so, that one time when I was jumped by a [want-to-be] gang in a dodgy part of Paris I screamed “Please be nice…” and took off running. They were so confused they just stood there.

 

“The-please-be-nice-cut-and-run” strategy works on occasion, but not so much when it comes to worthy desires, real relationships and great stories.

 

The reality is:

There is no story without conflict. And there are no meaningful pursuits without a fight.

So, more and more I’m learning to embrace the value of conflict. I am beginning to exchange my people-pleasing ways for candid conversations. And while I still struggle with owning my needs and articulating my anger, I’m learning. As I said, it doesn’t come naturally. Growing up my brother had a monopoly on expressing anger. So I cornered the market on peace-making and perfectionism. Yes, you can guess how brilliantly I nailed that approach. I achieved a spastic colon in my teens and mastered the art of stuffing negative emotions.

 

While I’m grateful for many resources that have helped me reframe my relationship with conflict, including some excellent therapists, curiously enough story structure has been a powerful tool. Learning that the messy middle–Act II–is always the longest part of a story has been so helpful. Our hero encounters one obstacle after another while chasing after what she/he desires. And so often in story we see our hero get it wrong–make a wrong decision, take a wrong action–and then have more conflict. That is story…and that is so much of life.

 

I’ve been living in the messy middle far longer than I would like. It’s been a season of transition that has superseded any plans I had for my life–one that has forced me to ditch denial, release perfectionism and diminish people-pleasing. While I would have never signed up for it, I would also never exchange it. My relationships are richer, my courage is stronger and I’ve even learned to own some anger. Creating space to acknowledge conflict has made a difference. For instance, when a few months back I was approached by the Afghan mafia in Athens while interviewing refugees I didn’t respond with my conflict avoidant “Please be nice…” gut reaction. Rather I had a “How dare you!” gaze in my eyes, even as I high-tailed it on my way. I let myself feel it in my body: I care deeply about injustice…and because of that I will embrace anger and engage conflict!

 

For the next several days we will discuss the different levels of conflict our hero encounters in story…and the ones we face in our own lives. We will discuss more in depth how to choose conflict wisely and how it serves our story powerfully.

 

Yet for today, I invite you to name one conflict that comes to mind when you think about what your desire is at the moment. There’s a power in naming whatever that is. And the deeper exercise is to consider your own relationship with conflict. What is it like? Why is it so?

 

When you choose to show up to conflict…when you go beyond “Could everyone just get along.” you show up to courage…and you create the space for a great story.

 

 

May that be so for you…for me…for us all. Amen and amen.