Day 10 of 40 Days of Story: No conflict. No Story. So what’s yours right now?
Here’s a confession: I’m one of those “Could everyone just get along?” types.
It’s my natural bent and tends to be my first reaction. So much so, that one time when I was jumped by a [want-to-be] gang in a dodgy part of Paris I screamed “Please be nice…” and took off running. They were so confused they just stood there.
“The-please-be-nice-cut-and-run” strategy works on occasion, but not so much when it comes to worthy desires, real relationships and great stories.
The reality is:
There is no story without conflict. And there are no meaningful pursuits without a fight.
So, more and more I’m learning to embrace the value of conflict. I am beginning to exchange my people-pleasing ways for candid conversations. And while I still struggle with owning my needs and articulating my anger, I’m learning. As I said, it doesn’t come naturally. Growing up my brother had a monopoly on expressing anger. So I cornered the market on peace-making and perfectionism. Yes, you can guess how brilliantly I nailed that approach. I achieved a spastic colon in my teens and mastered the art of stuffing negative emotions.
While I’m grateful for many resources that have helped me reframe my relationship with conflict, including some excellent therapists, curiously enough story structure has been a powerful tool. Learning that the messy middle–Act II–is always the longest part of a story has been so helpful. Our hero encounters one obstacle after another while chasing after what she/he desires. And so often in story we see our hero get it wrong–make a wrong decision, take a wrong action–and then have more conflict. That is story…and that is so much of life.
I’ve been living in the messy middle far longer than I would like. It’s been a season of transition that has superseded any plans I had for my life–one that has forced me to ditch denial, release perfectionism and diminish people-pleasing. While I would have never signed up for it, I would also never exchange it. My relationships are richer, my courage is stronger and I’ve even learned to own some anger. Creating space to acknowledge conflict has made a difference. For instance, when a few months back I was approached by the Afghan mafia in Athens while interviewing refugees I didn’t respond with my conflict avoidant “Please be nice…” gut reaction. Rather I had a “How dare you!” gaze in my eyes, even as I high-tailed it on my way. I let myself feel it in my body: I care deeply about injustice…and because of that I will embrace anger and engage conflict!
For the next several days we will discuss the different levels of conflict our hero encounters in story…and the ones we face in our own lives. We will discuss more in depth how to choose conflict wisely and how it serves our story powerfully.
Yet for today, I invite you to name one conflict that comes to mind when you think about what your desire is at the moment. There’s a power in naming whatever that is. And the deeper exercise is to consider your own relationship with conflict. What is it like? Why is it so?
When you choose to show up to conflict…when you go beyond “Could everyone just get along.” you show up to courage…and you create the space for a great story.
May that be so for you…for me…for us all. Amen and amen.
The conflict in my story is tied to my God dependence goal.
We have until the end of May to move out of the parsonage. I am realizing how much I depended on the security of being in the parsonage. It is easy. Here is your house, live in it as part of your salary. No worries. They took good care of us providing housing and basic utilities.
Now, we must rely on God to show us where we need to live. I know this is not foreign to most, but we have relied on God to show us where to live for the last 25 years of ministry. This feels foreign.
My daughter is urging us to stay in the Atlanta area, our son wants us to move down to the Warner Robins area where they live, our parents want us to move back to Indiana. Our Florida friends want us to move down there.
I work from home and can basically live anywhere. I travel four months of the year back and forth to HQ in Indiana and around the southeast. Now, with my new position, I could be gone up to 6 months of the year.
Do I want to buy a home that stays empty almost half of the year?
Many scenarios fly around in our heads… some seem crazy
– Stay in Atlanta or Warner Robins and get an apartment
– spend half of the year in Indiana and half in the south
– stay in our camper for a year and travel, working remotely
Am I too old to be this unsettled? It is starting to bring some sleepless nights. What is your will, God? The clock is ticking.
Wow! What an intense season…with big questions. I love how intentional you’re being. As always, thanks so much for sharing.
There’s conflict alright. It’s not so much a “who” as it is a “what.” My conflict is named, “Reality” and it’s a thief of time, always jumping in front of me like a bully. My name is Pursuit, and I chase a dream, but Reality has a way of knowing just where I am and blocks my path so that I cannot pass. It laughs at me, and requires my full attention, always keeping me from my noble quest. I once had something to say about much, but for years now, Reality has overshadowed. Whether the next big move, a loved one facing a life-threatening illness or a child in crisis, Reality has been too big and strong to just push aside, and so I engage it in battle, if not for myself, for others.
Like love and marriage, a pretty good trade-off.
Or lung cancer, my grandmother’s battle, and one we lost.
How about brain cancer, my mother-in-law’s defeat, another loss.
And diabetes or End Stage Kidney Disease, my father-in-law’s and the longest battle in history, or so it seemed at the time. Again, a loss.
Diabetes, heart disease, and a host of other serious conditions, my Pop’s, and one we’re still fighting.
Diabetes again, and a double amputee, this time my other grandmother’s, but hey, so far we’ve been victorious!
Years of infertility, that one was all mine.
Then the marvel of motherhood, still mine, and a total WIN!
Betrayal of friends, also mine, and I got the wind knocked out of me, three times now.
Childhood illness turned miraculous healings, two of my four my children- SCORE!
Teen pregnancy, also one of my kids- gifts that come in tiny little packages have the power to produce strong new mama warriors- a forever win!
Job loss and entrepreneurship, my husband’s and mine, knocked down, only to get back up again.
Watching your child lose a child, oh man! that’s one of the hardest battles ever, and definitely a loss.
And the list continues on…
But then comes a morning like this, when suddenly I wake up at 4:00 in the morning. I know I’ve been granted passage back in time and have permission to write the story, after all, that’s the dream I once chased. But it looks different now, feels different, because this time when ‘Pursuit’ (chaser of the dream) meets up with ‘Reality’ (thief of time) in the alley-way, an introduction is made and each acknowledges the other as a worthy opponent, always willing to battle, sometimes the victor and sometimes not. But truthfully, the story to be written isn’t about either of them, it’s about glory, not theirs, but God’s, and the way He writes it upon the lives of humankind. It’s a bigger and much better story than any dream chaser or time thief could ever write. And so, Reality and Pursuit shake hands.
From now on, they will enter a boxing ring and play by new rules, that of hindsight, where the grace and the purpose of God reside in both dreams and reality. Reality isn’t so bullish anymore and Pursuit, well, she has become stronger, smarter, and street-wise if you’ll allow her that. And now, with mutual regard, they simply nod at one another and wait to see who strikes next.