Day 11 of 40 Days of Story: Who or what is holding your dream hostage?
All great stories have really good antagonists.
No matter how bad they are, we can’t write them off. They may be murders or masochists, yet there’s something in them we see in ourselves. It can be terrifying.
That’s why I like to only consider antagonists while at the movies, reading a book or at a play. The idea there may be one in my own story makes me not want to write this post. (The reality is I’ve been avoiding writing it all day…)
And yet…
The more we get clear on who–or what–is the antagonist in our current story, the more directly we’re able to move toward our desires, dreams and goals.
So, today’s post is about naming that external conflict/antagonist in our story. For most of this, it’s not easy. Rarely do our stories play out with the precision of screenplay scripts. And if you’re like me, you’ve deftly constructed a world without enemies (mainly to avoid conflict). I realize this is a fortune that many in war-torn countries around the globe don’t have.
Here our antagonists tend to be more subtle and more subversive.
A few years back I attended a film festival where John Bucher, a gifted screenwriter and teacher, spoke about the antagonist in story. He shared this:
“If you can get your bad guy right, you can likely get the good one. One of the most powerful things you can do is make the good and bad guys related. You can’t get away from those you are related to. The closer in relationship the more powerful the story.” [Classic example: Star Wars.]
Here’s the dark reality: those we love dearly can be antagonists in our stories…and we can be antagonists in theirs.
And as I said, this antagonism is not often overt…and many times unconscious.
To reference another John…John Gottman, a renown psychological researcher and clinician. He talks about how one of the most damaging things to relationships is when one feels like the other holds his/her dream captive.
It’s those little ways we block one another’s dreams that turn into those little resentments that then block little expressions of intimacy…that then turn into big trouble.
And here’s the crazy thing: when it goes unnamed it gains power. Someone we love may be blocking our dream just a little because we’re blocking his/hers…because our dreams may be tied to competing values. Or our private logic may oppose one another without even knowing it.
But there’s hope.
When you think about the desire/dream you’re chasing in this season ask: Is there someone I love that seems to make it more difficult or I assume will not support it? Who is it?
Rather than going all Kill Bill as you think of that person…get curious. Consider what he or she may be wanting/needing? Could your desire be threatening his/her dream?
Let your curiosity entice you towards empathy. How might that person be experiencing your desire? What feelings and thoughts are being provoked in him/her as you chase it?
And now for an even tougher challenge, let curiosity and empathy call you to a courageous and loving conversation. Instead of accusing your antagonist, create a space for him or her to share. Be poised to receive it with empathy.
Brene Brown says it beautifully:
“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
I believe resentment can’t survive either.
So…Who or what is holding your dream hostage?
Your mission, if you choose to accept: Initiate a courageous and loving conversation with that person. Be curious and empathetic.
And for extra-credit consider this: Whose dream can you set-free?
Answering that one…well, that’s a call to true transformation…
I hate to even speak it.
I would say it is my daughter holding it hostage. She has always been used to having us close. She depends on us to help with the grandkids and for support. It would be very hard to leave her because she has no other real support system.
As we keep telling her that we may end up somewhere else, I see it starting to sink in. The grandkids get sad thinking about us not being close by.
How can I coach missionaries to leave all that they know when I can’t do it? Is this God’s lesson?
Who is the real antagonist? Oh Man! I knew this day would come. I admit I have one.
At first, it looked like a father who called my dream arrogant, but that’s because he gave his dream up long ago in order to support a growing family. I understand.
But it also looked like a mother, because she ignored it for a while, though secretly I know she longed for it for herself. And her story is really worth telling, so I want it for her too.
Then there’s another mother one who once told me my dream is only worthy if I could tie it to a smarter person than myself, and one with recordable statistics? But she was fighting an uphill battle at that time, trying to gain notoriety. She came back to me, repentant, and apologized for such severe words.
These were antagonistic wannabes. I almost believed them until I realized they came at me from their own places of pain and insecurity, and for a while, I cowered, but they’re not my real antagonists. No, despite what they’ve uttered in times past, they love me enough to want the best for me, and as long as I don’t expose their stories, which is what they fear most, I have their support.
My real antagonist is the one who for a lifetime has felt the need to prove her worth as superior over me. I’ve seen her work a room and the people closest to me. Funny thing is, I’m not even playing on her playground. But that doesn’t matter. I’m a happy, satisfied soul and she can’t handle my version of fulfillment, so when I least expect it, she comes after me and I find that so very sad. I finally faced her though, and with my hand stretched out in front, I said, NO MORE! You may not treat me and my family with disdain just because my way is different than yours. Your way is perfect, for you. And there’s plenty of room in this world, for both of us! In fact, there’s magic in all that’s different about you and me. It creates a balance, so go ahead and shine that light bright and prove your worth. It’s there; I see it. Just don’t try so hard to distinguish mine. I’m not your enemy, your version of me is, which means deep down your insecurity is.